So our sweet Bella Rose is 5 months today...hard to believe! To be brutally honest, Im still processing this parenting thing. I absolutely LOVE being her mom and I truly am so grateful to be able to be fully at home with her in this season. To witness EVERY new face, expression, action...it's truly a blessing!
This morning I actually just stared and stared at her, like I do every day but this AM longer than normal and there was this moment we just stared at each other and she smiled....and your heart melts. And you know everything in her world is beautiful, all is well...she is innocent, she knows nothing of the chaos of the government or evil in the world, she doesn't stress at finances or decisions, she doesn't care about much...she's at peace and we get to be her world. What a privilege, what a responsibility, what a gift.
..but processing the parenting thing...it's crazy with your first, especially when you are a stay at home mom and your little one looks for MOMMY every where and to every person you hand her off to....that is hard to get used to. I love that she needs me and even more wants me, of course! Its undeniably hard though not to admit that at one moment, that moment they enter this world your life changes forever. It sounds cliche and it's said by every parent in this world I'm sure, but to experience it is a reality that nothing prepares you for. All the good, all the ugly, all the sleeplessness, all the worrying, the sacrifices, they are all worth it...but the "freedom" you do loose is hard to adjust to. Even if we did leave Bella at a daycare your mind and heart....still there with her. You cannot stop the attachment. So the adjustment part of having another little human with you 24/7 is hard. A simple trip to get coffee or get some groceries does not exist anymore. A commitment with friends for a get together- hard to tell how that little human will be acting at that time so its hard to commit. We wouldn't change our world with Bella for anything and our lives do go on and our days are filled with more smiles, laughs and memories that we could ever ask for....but I'm just saying...its an adjustment.
I've always had a love for the word 'seasons' and am a strong believer in how they change in my life and responding accordingly, but having said that I'm a slow adjuster at times...sometimes I feel the season in my life could be spring, but I'm still acting as if it was winter...if you follow my thinking. So at this, the 5 month mark of having a baby I'm just coming to terms with this 'season' -Alvaro and Bella are my world. Sure, there are days I feel I'm 'missing out' on my personal social life or feel I miss working, but it's not that season for me, not now. It's hard because in the past, pretty much in EVERY other season I've had, in every other state I've lived in...I've been BUSY and social and running, but this...this is different, a different kind of busy, social, and running I guess you could say. I'm determined though to do this season 100%, to soak in all these moments and to truly live in the present of my current world.
And an even bigger lesson is the constant temptation to compare. I mean we all have it, whether we are parents or not...but for some reason in our society now...once you become a parent....EVERYTHING seems so controversial and everyone is so quick to judge and decide what is best for someone else....from your pregnancy, your birth...natural or drugs, breastfed or formula, co sleep or crib, cry it out method or attachment parenting...a constant battle, but why? Ive come across some more great articles/blogs this week on this issue and parenting:
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The Mom Confession
this, I believe will be an ongoing training ground for me...to believe how and what works best for Alvaro and I to raise our kids...and to stick to that and to not be swayed or bothered by "what everyone else says, does, or thinks" To be true to who we are, to follow our hearts, to understand what our child needs, and ultimately try our best to raise them after God's heart.
I'm rambling...I guess as I choose to snuggle up to Bella and watch her sleep before I shut my eyes tonight I'm in awe....of the weight of responsibility yes, but of the way she truly has and is changing our lives.....for the BETTER.
We are so excited to continue to raise you, to teach you, to encourage you...and to just watch who God created you to be, Bella Rose Gomez...
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