So I'm a mom- that's my new identity - for the last, well Bella is exactly a year and half as of this past weekend- so that long! Before I comment more on the identity crisis I'm in first let me ask- Why doesn't anyone prepare you before you have a baby? I mean we have baby showers and well wishes and prenatal classes - but actually PREPARE you! Yeah of course cute newborn clothes and that big item you were hoping for from your registry is nice and appreciated but big deal - it's nothing compared to trying to journey through the next year that rocks you to your core! Why doesn't someone say "ITS GOING TO BE HARD!" And better yet why don't more people, more women - take you by the hand and say let me help you down the motherhood journey!
I wish there were more classes on how to deal with your emotions and thoughts after having a baby - and oh yeah and then trying to raise it! I'm not talking about going to your dr and declaring post pardon depression although I don't say that lightly and know it's a huge reality for many! More preparation of what it means to be a mom and what it doesn't mean- how it changes you as person and how it affects your identity.
So back to that identity crisis I mentioned - before Bella I was yes: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a co worker, an individual who had her own outlets to make her who she was. And for the drumroll please........the brutally honest confession: I don't know who I am most days anymore beyond Bella's mom! It's terrifying and frustrating and some days exhausting. I especially am trying to limit my social media time these days as it seems looking around most women, moms....have this thing figured out - I mean come on Sarah, Bella is 18 months! You should have found your groove by now- you should have room to expand back to who you are and just "add" motherhood to the list of attributes and talents. I haven't. Looking to the left and right, watching mothers navigate careers, hobbies, volunteering efforts, and do this parenthood thing....I say good on ya ( a little Australian verbiage!) but I'm not there. Adding to the list of the already complicated world of motherhood in this generation of comparison is the right everyone feels they have to tell you how you should raise your infant, toddler, child and you feel pressure. We chose, well actually BELLA chose...the more 'attached' parenting route with breastfeeding and co sleeping and me staying home with her so that contributes to the added weight of the constant question, "am I doing this right?"
(Total side note - thank you to the blogger who wrote this blog recently and it turned up on one of my FB feeds - a total "I NEEDED THAT MOMENT" and yes a few tears shed and a breathe of fresh air- that maybe I'm not alone in this mess of crazy emotions) I'll link to it here. http://nursememama.com/2014/11/03/to-the-mom-of-a-nursing-toddler/
So yes, here I am 34 yrs old, with a toddler trying to navigate who I am - and I'm not really looking for feedback such as " you are a child of God....or you have purpose" - writing this actually isn't intended to draw feedback at all- just let me ooze out some of what is inside. Somewhere deep I get I'm full of purpose and I get that- it's just a year of having another human depend on you for food,safety, and comfort - the day to day seemingly mundane tasks of: changing diapers, preparing supper, cleaning messes and wiping tears...those things change a person and admittedly rearrange my thoughts of what I'm here for. Most days-allow me to be even YET more transparent and say- I feel I want to have more importance and see more transpire through me than making homemade play do! I want to FEEL like I'm making some sort of tangible difference.
Ok- so I have a lot to figure out and this parenthood thing is evolutionary as once you have one stage or season figured out - you get hit with another new one. I'm thankful for Gods grace and His love for me as a wife and a mother to Bella Rose- let me tell you, I'm in desperate need of it everyday...and now I'm learning to have more for myself as well. Bella is the best gift I've ever received and the hardest job I've ever had.
So to all my amigas that are expecting their first (including the one laboring as I write this) ...let me be the one to offer you some advice....this journey is amazing....holding your beautiful miracle and being awe-stricken at the sheer beauty of life! It's great and you should soak, revel, and savor every moment- but know this as well, it's going to be hard and there will be days that you will feel lost, discouraged, overwhelmed,and exhausted. You will wonder if you are doing anything right or good enough. Breathe. I'm told it gets better....and it does, that first year there aren't many "rewards" for your intensive, constant labors of love - besides a coo or smile or laugh- and those will carry you through. You will have heartstrings so tight that you never ever thought possible in this new role of mom. You will feel a weight of responsibility that some days will feel insurmountable. You will make it through, and let me say I'm only a door, a phone call, or text away, for the moments when you feel you won't.
So as I wrap this post up....let me share what I feel God whispered to me this morning. Feeling particularly sorry for myself as Bella has been so needy lately, not having much alone time and her so attached to me....I felt Him saying, "what if you were more like Bella?" As in, if I left your space, or the room....that you would go frantic trying to find Me..that you would be so dependent on Me.. for your life, for your survival, for your peace and for your comfort.
Crazy- as I was publishing this draft I saw another post in my feed from a mommy blogger- that hits some of these same notes, and again confirms I'm not alone, and that's a good feeling.
0 comments:
Post a Comment